This time last year I was going through a whole bunch of changes... I had just finished chemo, had my port out, stayed home with Harkin as I was trying to do things on my own, fighting a chemical dependency I had built up with pain medication and such during my struggle with taxol and post surgery and gearing up for the left mastectomy with reconstruction at the end of July and then thinking about going back to work. I was scared and it was hard so much change in so little time. As I reflect back on this time everything worked out but I realized no matter what I have always had a lot going on in my life.
This weekend was full of memories and last times together in NJ as I refuse to say goodbye. I am so sad because when things changed in terms of all of my past moves I had little say. I was a child and my Dad moved for his jobs and now the tables turned I am the one moving and changing everyone’s lives. I can't blame anyone else. I will say I am not going to miss running around cleaning the house to crazy extremes with two toddler and two dogs in toe but I AM going to miss all the wonderful people. The people who really showed me what love and friendship is all about. These are the people who rallied around me when I had cancer and was pregnant and then continued to be there for me once I had Harkin and was fighting through taxol and addiction recovery.
Sometimes I feel like I am a 70 year old women stuck in a 30 year old body. Now the medications would say I agree with this statement even more. Previously it was just from the perspective of having been through so much at such a young age but the medications really made me feel old. My bones and muscles ache every single morning. Being forced into menopause at the ripe age of 30 is like going out for a joyride, not wearing a seatbelt and aiming for the fat tree full force while accelerating. It feels like hitting a wall and your body is still screaming and reeling from the impact days even months later. It is not a pretty fight internal or external.
On top of this my body really thinks I am in menopause because
we medically put it there! So I am gaining weight and fighting all the other glorious symptoms! I am going to start a diet and weight management when I get to Georgia as I really feel like I need to up my game and not my pants size! I have 5 YEARS OF THIS!!!! I sure hope it goes fast! Because 5 years is a long time to not feel like yourself especially when you are in a new state and out of your comfort zone. I will do it but I might need some help and a few friendly faces along the way :) Here is to 3 days before everything changes again.