On Saturday October 4th my chemo buddy Andrea or as I affectionately called her Annie decided to go into hospice. She had fought long and hard for 18 months with lung cancer and the battle was getting harder and the pain was mounting. It was an honrable decision. She fought as long and hard as she could beyond the measures of what others may have been willing to do. She lived life to the fullest. Annie passed on October 8th the day after my 30th birthday and is now resting peacefully in heaven. I hope she is rocking those killer heels and dancing away up there! She had such an infectiously happy spirit you could not help but smile in her presence. She loved sunflowers so much and she was a beautiful sun flower in the lives of so many. I will miss her deeply.
On Monday, October 6th Meg a beautiful mom of two, wife, teacher, friend and so much more from my cancer mom group lost her battle to cancer. She had breast cancer while pregnant and had a beautiful daughter about a month after I had mine. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this because well it is not fair! It sucks! I am mad for her not getting to finish out her life. She didn't get to see her girls grow up. She has a wonderful loving husband who is left without his partner. Why? I don't get it?
Smack in the middle of these two tragic events On October 7th I turned 30. Needless to say I feel numb and not very celebratory. I am so mad at cancer! I hate everything about CANCER. This stupid pink month is about to push me over the edge!
I am tired of people telling me to be happy it's over. It's not over! I have to go to the doctor constantly. I have to take a pill everyday for 5 years or more that will hopefully make sure it does not come back. I am still doing reconstruction and every time I look at myself in the mirror my whole torso is marred with scars and visual reminders of what cancer has done to my body. Forget the emotional scars and wounds that you cannot see. Cancer hurts! Cancer kills. Cancer sucks the life out of you. It is not just over one day!
Not to mention I still have a kidney disease. I still what in fear for the other shoe to drop. To get the call my kidneys are declining and begin discussion for dialysis and a transplant. I don't know if this day will come. I pray it does not but it is a real possibility. My life has always been full of crazy twists and turns and nothing really going very smoothly. I am use to this by now but I am also very tired and I am only 30!
I am scared out of my mind! What if the cancer comes back? What if the doctors missed something? What if I die and leave Ken and the girls? What does my future look like?
I am usually very positive but this past week has hardened me a bit. I hope I soften again but I am finding it harder and harder each time I get a new blow. Today I am searching for the light and praying for a better tomorrow.
A few links I would like to share:
Meg Sager's donation page to help her husband and the girls. Please consider donating to this beautiful family.
Tomorrow October 13th is metastatic Breast Cancer awareness day. Know the facts and learn more about how breast cancer is not just a cute pink ribbon.
Just let go